i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
