im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
