It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
