he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.