Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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