sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
