Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got inside last night via doggy door
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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