Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.