He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
