remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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