1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
