I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
