Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
