I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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