So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
