I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
