im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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