Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you traded sex for a burrito?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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