i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
