Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
