please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
