this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
