$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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