like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
