Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
