If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
