He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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