I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
