no, he came in my armpit
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hippo gnu deer
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
