I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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