Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
