We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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