You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
