I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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