I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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