The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
