I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
