i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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