I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're like the curious george of whores
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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