I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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