so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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