do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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