You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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