awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
