I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
