ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
