how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
