Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
