so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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