I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
