I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
