Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
