i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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