I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
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Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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