fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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