shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
