Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize