The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
