Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
