life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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