Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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